planning trips in which you never come back but yet, you never actually leave for feels borderline insane

Planning a trip within the year (or more) in which I go to europe, alone and happy, and never come back.

Let’s bone and make out in front of old victorian houses all summer.

the greeks would call it stasis

I am absolutely sprung by the shell of my interior. I have drowned myself in my self and have kept my self shut in, tight, grasping towards light — civilization — prosperity. Strangled in desire of fidelity towards the barometer of who I am. Consistently thinking dialectically has proven itself fatal. I am sure this is necessary in growth — intellectually and emotionally but it is so difficult to conceive what my emotions currently are and jotting absolution onto paper is naught. I have become a martyr of suppressed emotion. How do you articulate yourself when you cannot dictate on the reality of a reality? I have not divulged myself in enough possibilities to breathe properly and I cannot come afloat when I am stuck in this self-made chaos. Once again, this is necessary in growth of mind — wide open, variable and vulnerable. 

I long for certainty of self even in limitless, uncontrollable explosions of life that spring from the fertile depths of early adulthood. After harboring carefulness and worry, I have concluded that often times, certainty comes from naiveté. I want to scream to the universe, in broken words, black circles encasing my eyes — “i have thrown myself into the fire, i have opened the void, cut me some slack, I am at your door, crying sanctuary,” but that talk will ensue silence and I will realize I am giving up/giving in. How do I live beautifully, calmly and serenely, in uncertainty? Am I too young to know certainty? What is this maddening duality that is constantly repeating in my head? Betrayal of myself, violation of my own foundation. Frustrated, reduced, helpless, lost, attempting to reconfigure my atoms and the calcium inside my bones.

I should sit down and talk with myself.

The Yeah Yeah Yeah’s have alchemized a densely mind-blowing album, once again, and I’m just sitting here swooning. 

Late night bike rides are supremely peaceful.

Let’s talk about the people who have a pit bull puppy in my complex and treat the poor thing awfully. Little kids constantly tug at him, chase him, accidentally step on him, he gets picked up by his leash and collar, choking him, yelled at, given person to person/kid to kid, his name is never called and honestly, I’m sure at home he’s not learning much either.

If it keeps up, I’m just going to take the pit and say fuck you to whoever owns the cutie.  Don’t get an animal companion if you’re not going to take care of it!

In a nutshell, I like crass humor, dark beer, thigh high socks, and oatmeal cookies.

It’s almost time to harvest fiddleheads and I AM SO EXCITED. I just want to eat a giant sautéed bowl of them right now. Or put them on a pizza. Or in pasta. Or curl up with them because they’re just such adorable and precious ferns. 

I don’t understand why it’s so impossible~ to believe that some people just do not want children and/or to be married. The common and absolutely rude response I have consistently received over the years is; “Oh, that’ll change/Oh you’ll change your mind”. It’s not unfathomable that I, and some people, just don’t want kids or feel it necessary to be married. It does not mean I’m stupid, immature, selfish, too young, “that kind of girl” irresponsible, or a cold hard bitch because I don’t want either of the two. You do not get permission to tell me that will change, or you knew someone who felt the same way and did the opposite, or that your ideas somehow over-rule mine simply because ~everyone~ gets married and has kids. No kids, no marriage and chances are, it won’t change and attempting to belittle how i feel on the subject and shove the ~common/majority~ opinion on the matter is, quite frankly, getting old.

I made a vegan oatmeal, peanut butter, chocolate chip, banana bread and i just want to eat the whole thing now / I am eating the whole thing now.

Made eye contact with some dude at school who was walking the opposite way, looked away, heard an “mmm”, was annoyed but continued walking to class. Walked through a set of doors and then realized someone was behind me, so I held the door open for them on the next set and realized it was that dude, and I was like fuck. I sped up and he started talking to me about the weather. He acted like he was walking straight until I turned up the stairs and he was like, “oh yeah I forgot my class was up this way”. LIKE NO ITS NOT PISS OFF. I said that and he was like “forget you”. Like FUCK YOU, you just followed me.